“I feel like nobody likes me.”

There’s always that one girl. That one girl who seemingly is always screaming for attention. Always wanting people to give her the undivided attention that she never got, or begging for the constant words of affirmation because she thinks it will make her feel better. Everyone has a person in their lives that they can think of when I write this. And I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t get sick of it. It’s easy to. It becomes constant and annoying and you just want to shake them and yell, “GET OVER IT!”  so that they’ll just stop.

Inside I think I am that girl. Man, I really hate to admit that. Really. This is something I have struggled with for a long time, and it’s taken me awhile to come to this painful realization. But it’s the truth.

Why do we as a society do this to ourselves? Why do we let ourselves become sucked into this idealistic mindset of, “If we don’t look like this, people obviously wont love me” or “If I don’t act like this other person does, I wont have as many friends as them” or “If I don’t have as many friends as them, obviously there is something wrong with me.”

I know that people love me and I know that I have a family that deeply cares for me. I am surrounded, both at home and here within my squad, by a family of people who truly love me and care for me. But sometimes, I feel like that isn’t enough…How twisted and selfish is that? I don’t know why, but I constantly am in this state of comparison. I am mentally always double-guessing myself and seeing others around me and their relationships and friendships and somehow believing that because of their relationship that mine with them is somehow less. It’s less significant or it doesn’t mean as much or they must not love me as much as them. It is an awfully never-ending vicious cycle of crap.

I hate that inwardly I feel like I am on the brink of scrounging and scraping for any kind of attention I can find, but externally no one can see how I’m really feeling. I hate that I feel as though for so long I’ve felt as though I have to hide behind every true emotion I’m feeling. I hate that the Devil has gotten this strong foothold in my life. And I hate that I’ve let him come this far. But that stops today.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born, I set you apart.” – Jeremiah 1:5

“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away…I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-but even in the darkness I cannot hide from you…Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” –Psalm 139: 1-2, 11-12, 23

“Look up into the heavens, Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by it’s name.” –Isaiah 40:26

“…I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

“…I am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear?...For I am the Lord your God…And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand.” –Isaiah 51:12, 15-16

I truly believe that by covering myself in scripture daily this mindset of mine will change. And I also believe that I cannot do this alone. This is something I am calling you all back home to help me in. And this is not about a self-pity party or wanting anyone to give me more attention…this is honestly and truly about helping me leave this sinful mindset behind and growing more into my identity as a beloved daughter of Christ. Ways that you can be helping me most is by first and foremost praying. Please be praying for this growth and development in my heart and praying for the rest of the time that I am here. That during this last stretch, I can have time to prepare my heart for coming back home and transitioning into a completely different lifestyle and daily life. Pray for my team, and pray for my squad as we are all going through different stages of transition and personal development.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help…A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12

“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace the comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.” Colossians 3:14-15