Lately I’ve been thinking about home a lot. Now I don’t really ever get homesick and I have spent a good amount of time away from home before this trip. But it’s true that this is the longest period of time I’ve been away from not only home, but from outside of the comforts and familiarities of the United States…but as I say this I want to let you know, I am terrified of going home.
In the last few weeks God has really been showing me how much my heart has really changed. When I signed up to do this trip, I thought that yes, it would be an awesome opportunity to serve God and experience all of these amazing different cultures. But I truthfully didn’t fully understand the type of impact and permanent change that would take effect and shape me after leaving it. I thought, I would do this trip, come home and life would go just as planned. But now I'm not so sure…
I remember when my squad first arrived in the Philippines. I remember before even arriving at my team’s ministry site feeling jealous of one of the other teams. We stayed at their ministry site the first night we arrived, and it was nice. They had great food, comfortable beds, and working showers, a pool, a stocked library and spa…nice. I saw all of these things and immediately began comparing it to what our ministry was going to look like. We hadn’t even arrived there yet and already my sinful heart was beginning to have expectations that ours wouldn’t be as nice or as good as theirs.
But now, thinking about this a month and a half later. I would have never traded it for the world. Not to say that their team isn’t doing amazing things in ministry or making an impact, because I know they are from the things I’ve have personally seen and what I’ve heard from their team. But I know that God brought our team here for a specific purpose. While yes, we may not have running water and have to take bucket showers, and yes we have mice and cockroaches running around our room occasionally, and yes we sleep on the floor, all of these things bring me immense joy. True and genuine joy. Because what comes from all of that, is 20 Filipino brothers who love me and show me what true faith and hope looks like. What comes from living here brings me truth of what the culture really looks like and I’ve seen an authentic version of Filipino living.
Which brings me back to the idea of “home”, America. Since being in the Philippines I have seen how people live. I have realized that they way most people live in America is not the normal everywhere else. I have seen hundreds and hundreds of street kids with eyes filled with hunger and thirst not only physical but of hope. I’ve met and become friends with women, who with literally no other options to support their families they sell their bodies to strangers on the street who will pay them an average of 500 pesos in a night, that’s about $12 USD. I live with boys who have stolen, vandalized, and even some who have murdered because they were in such a dark place and surrounded by a sense of hopelessness. But I have also seen the love that has redeemed these same people and is completely transforming them day by day into the children of God.
So what frightens me most of all, is not what I see here, but how do I go about explaining all of this to people in America? How do I explain to everyone that the normal where we live is NOT the normal everywhere else?
It has taken me longer to write this blog than any of my others, because I want you to understand just how I’m feeling so I hope I’m not confusing you.
The power of love is something that is truly indescribable. Because in the end, what all of this comes down to, is how we love. It doesn’t matter where I am, whether I’m sleeping on the floor with insects and mice, or staying in a bed with a hot shower, if I am showing love in the midst of that, God will continue to use me.
So even if I’m terrified of going home, I know God will be alongside me, loving me and helping me love those around me. Even if I feel misunderstood or confused or scared or uneasy. Because the love that he calls us to…it is so worth it.
**Also for those of you who don't know already, the month of January is women's and men's ministry month better known as "manistry" and "womanistry" so it is just the ladies on my team together this month and we have been blessed to be able to stay at Children's Garden during womanistry, while the boys are on another island of the Philippines! So continue to be praying for our relationships and ministry here, but also be praying for the boys as they are staying in Mindanao, another island of the Philippines during manistry!***
